Once bitten

I feel tremendously stupid. I have loved you for more than half my life with a love that consumed every fibre of my being. I never for a second doubted that we were eventually going to be together – that you were my soulmate. I was always so sure until now.

This person before me is a stranger. This emotionless human being who can declare their love so passionately on Thursday then spend the weekend in anothers arms. Your silence was deafening – and all the while, as I sent you message after message, you chose to ignore me as you lapped up the kisses of someone else. Did the two of you laugh as my messages got more desperate,psychotic – or were you so wrapped up in the sweetness of the embrace that you didnt even notice or couldnt bother to care.

Did you finally feel sorry for me as you lay together on Monday afternoon, two lovers skipping work because you could bear to tear yourselves apart. This is not a good time you responded- you thought the reply was innocent enough but I had seen it before and I knew what it meant. Those were the same words you used the first time you left my arms for another – this is not a good time because someone has taken your place, someone else is in my arms enjoying my embrace.

So you have done it again, you would think I would have learnt from the first, second,third time. The pain is more intense, the tears are they never cease – why is it so easy for you to just walk in and break my heart?

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Remembering…

You tell me you remember all your firsts with me and that I would always have a place in your heart… I remember so much more. I remember sneaking into your room late at night, and hiding in the cupboard, under the bed. I remember falling asleep in your arms watching soccer. I remember wearing your shirt everyday and night when you were away so I could be covered in your scent. I remember the first time you played me “our song” – I remember it all.

I remember sitting by the phone waiting for your call – for weeks. I remember reaching the depths of hell, my soul screaming out in utter agony as I tried to deal with the realization that I wasn’t and would never be your first. I remember you telling me you had met the perfect woman for you – the one who wasnt me, the one who would become your wife

Yes – I remember it all.

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You told me…

You told me you loved me – you told me you loved me and my heart was filled with so much joy I thought I would burst from the sheer emotion I felt. I thought I would explode and my head couldn’t contain the millions of thoughts running through my mind. You told me you loved me then you disappeared for three days, two hours, eight minutes and counting…

Do you regret what you said to me? Is that why you have disappeared because you cannot find a way to tell me that you didn’t mean what you said or that you were just being nice or you were having an emotional moment. Are you trying to avoid the inevitable moment when you have to explain to me that you don’t feel the way I do and that you merely succumbed to a moment of weakness – tell me…

Or have you just forgotten me? After telling me one of the most significant things in my life, has your weekend become so eventful that you cannot call/write/SMS/email to just say hey. Has the thought of me merely been an sideline in your life,am I just an inconvenience that you now need to find a way to handle?

You told me you loved me and to me that meant everything and so much more. Your words validated my many dreams and memories of us, memories which only I seem to hold dear. You told me you remembered and I thought that meant you had struggled like I have struggled to get over the past. Oh how wrong I was. I believed your silky words and I was ready to walk away from everything because you told me the words I had prayed to hear for an eternity. You told me you loved me….and I believed you.

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So many words

I find my voice when I’m with you. Me who thought there were no words left to say. Yet with you somehow the words don’t seem to be enough. I want to tell you my every waking thought, my dreams – I want to share my all with you and yet I fear that I may scare you with all I have to say. I want to make you laugh, and see that smile on your face – the smile you smile only for me. There are so many words and somehow there are not enough words to express my thoughts and emotions. I need to tell you so much and yet I must not overwhelm you because I find my voice when I’m with you – and it is beautiful and it is loud and it is true

“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.”
― John Greenleaf Whittier, Maud Muller – Pamphlet

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You are all four.

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.  ~Diego Marchi

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Hello?

Where are you? It’s been 38 hours and six minutes since your last message – 38 hours of anxiety and anticipation. Where are you? Have you forgotten me already?

My stomach is knotted, my palms are sweating and my head aches. A million thoughts are racing through my mind. i just got you back into my life. How can I lose you so soon, when I still have so much to share? Was it something I did? Something I said?

My phone vibrates…my heart leaps! Yet my excitement is mingled with fear and then everything comes crashing down, my ecstasy is short-lived…it’s someone, anyone but you…

HELLO – are you out there? Where are you?

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Choices

It’s all about choices…should I get up or stay in bed. Should I study or party, get married or stay single…each decision slowly shapes the rough block into a sculpture, each stroke of the paintbrush infuses the picture with life. Until suddenly one day the masterpiece is complete and you wonder how you ended up with the final product – it was all about choices…

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