RIP Farewell

You are dead. I always thought one day we would sit and read this together – reconciled. But you are gone…and I haven’t even cried.

Life isn’t a game. It’s choices which we must live with daily. This is my farewell to you. I have an amazing life, family and friends who love me – let me live in this moment – no regrets, no turning back.

This is the full stop. End of Chapter. Book closed. Rest in Peace Loverwear Tate.

His Journey’s Just Begun

Don’t think of him as gone away
his journey’s just begun,
life holds so many facets
this earth is only one.

Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.

Think how he must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.

And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched…
for nothing loved is ever lost
and he was loved so much.

E. Brenneman


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Fresh start

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…. You

you cant even talk to me – after getting me here by promising me all types of rubbish you fob me off like im some type of stalker – are you serious? Do you think this is a game? Playing with my life like its a deck of cards…what do you think I am? Im not a toy you can play with then discard when you are tired – Im not made of stone with no feelings.

So I see now so clearly that you never cared. You never looked for me, never tried to maintain contact like T did. He has followed my every step, helped me through thick and thin. He has shown his loyalty and given me his all. Yet I never appreciated him, never realised that in his own way he was trying so hard – because I was busy concentrating on you.

I hope I haunt you in your dreams, I hope your every waking moment is filled with thoughts of me – I hope you are so obsessed you fail to distingush the past fron the present, that you are engulfed in feelings of denial, confusion, yearning – karma is a nasty thing and I hope it visits you and never leaves. In fact I pray that you go through what I go through then you can taste the bitterness of my pain.

How dare you – I could hear the laughing in the background and then you handed me over – like an infectious disease requiring quarantine. So much for me being your soulmate, so much for you taking me and my baggage in a heartbeat – you are a stinking filthy liar, you are a simple minded spoilt brat who doesnt use his first brain…. You

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Complete I am not

Fulfillment – completeness – being whole…whatever that feeling/emotion/mood is I really do not feel it right now. I feel empty, like a lost traveller wondering through a strange land with no idea how to get home. I know that another being cannot give me my life purpose, yet I also know that being with you leaves me feeling content, fulfilled, whole.

I wrote to you about Batman – whose dark side I understand so well…you responded enthusiastically then disappeared again…leaving me unfulfilled, incomplete

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The slow ache sets in

I ache for you, even though I know I shouldn’t, even though you haven’t contacted me and yet I know you have my number and you could call me – if you wanted to. The familiar buildup has started rumbling in my inner being – like a storm slowly building – and I wait for it, knowing so well how it will soon consume me – the agony and despair, the restless nights filled with dreams of you, the self inflicted derision as I question why I am not enough for you when you are more than everything to me. The slow ache sets in and I could say a million things, cry endless tears but it would all be summed up in one simple phrase – UL&A always.

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The sms

I woke up this morning to an interesting greeting – a message from your girlfriend. You obviously were too enamoured/emotional/nonchalent to mention that you had girlfriend – whatever your reason, she was lovely enough to tell me you had been together for six months and then proceeded to ask whether I thought I was more important than she was – she demanded I be realistic.

Now I have never been one to condone women fighting over a man – especially one who obviously is a lying cheating scumbag. I personally believe if your man is cheating on you then you should take it out on him not the poor female he lied to – and she must know you didnt tell me about her because her message started with the fact that she is your current girlfriend and has been for six months. As a girlfriend, if you are insecure maybe you should be looking at why you are obviously trawling through his phone looking for incriminating evidence, not spending your time terrorising other women. So I havent responded and I will not respond because I am so above that – but her question did make me smirk and I thought about what I would respond to her…it went a little like this

Dear six month girlfriend,

Wow – six months, that is impressive – I have a toothbrush older than that! Am I more important than you – well, you tell me. I have known him for more than half his life, longer than you have probably been able to dress yourself. I was his first crush, his first girlfriend, his first prom date, his first fiancee. I was the person he dreamed all his dreams with – you see the man he is now? I did that! What you find so attractive about him is because of my decades of hard work and understanding, my wiping his tears when he cried, my cheering him on to the finish line.

So you have been with him for six months – He and I have shared the same breath for 17 long years. Get a grip! If you have realised that he is in love with me, you are not the first and you wont be the last. If you are worried I am a threat to your relationship – you know what? maybe you should be worried.I cannot stop him feeling what he feels, I cannot force him to feel for you what he feels for me. So am I more important than you? You ask him, then you tell me.

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He is just not that into you…

Yes I read the book, watched the movie, did the test…and at the time I thought it was so obvious – how could anyone not see the very clear signs? But today I realised I had been sucked into it – and the thought which started as a whisper is now screaming in my head – maybe, just maybe he is just not that into you…

He is just not that into you when you realise that you always initiate contact – he never looks for you, never wonders how you are doing, never stays up googling for clues on what is going on with your life. No, his life just goes on and each time you meet up (after you have initiated contact AGAIN), he has no idea what you have been up to, though you know his life story back to front and inside out…

He is just not that into you when he finally tells you that he loves you…well, he actually doesnt use the L word but he expresses something that you KNOW means he loves you then he disappears for a week (until you initiate contact AGAIN). It doesnt take you long to realise that he wasnt responding because he was with someone else – and he doesnt even deny it, tells you that its his “friend” who really gets him. In fact she gets him so much thats why she was sleeping over at his place looking after him while he was ill with the flu – “oh, didn’t I tell you I had the flu?” he says “Everyone knew”.  Everyone except me the person you claim is your “soulmate”.

He is just not that into you when you stop talking to him and he doesnt even bother to find out why. If he had asked you would have told him that you are mad that he is just not that into you and yet you were going to turn your whole world over and give up your entire life for him. You would have told him that when he mentioned his “friend who gets him” your heart seized and you were filled with the most intense jealousy. You would have told him that you spent the whole night trying to figure out if she was younger, prettier, more intelligent.

He is just not that into you when he doesnt get in touch as you start the painstaking process of getting over being so utterly, completely into him.

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